December 7th has a different meaning for me.
I went to the Red Door Clinic just to make sure I wasn’t HIV positive. It was just a routine test I had done because it was convenient: I was working a temp assignment in the same building. But when I went in for my test results, the nurse didn’t even wait until we had settled into an exam room to give me the Bad News. His words still reverberate in my memory. “Bad news… it came back positive.”
I was shocked, scared, and angry. How could this happen to me? What did I do wrong? How would I tell my family and friends? How long would I live? I had so many questions but no answers. I felt like I had been given a death sentence. The first thing I did when I got home to my apartment, where I lived alone at the time, was I screamed. Then my friend Dave brought me over to his place and kept the beers coming while I cried on his shoulder. Then I decided not to give up. I decided to fight. I decided to live.
I started taking antiretroviral therapy (ART), which helps control the virus and prevent it from damaging the immune system. ART has improved a lot over the years, and it has helped many people with HIV live longer and healthier lives. But it is not a cure, and it has side effects. I had to deal with nausea, fatigue, diarrhea, and other problems. But I was grateful that I had access to this treatment because many people in the world don’t.
I also had to deal with the stigma and discrimination that people with HIV face. Some people treated me differently, avoided me, or rejected me. Some people were ignorant, fearful, and hateful. Some people blamed me, judged me, or shamed me. The only good thing I had going in life was Mikey, whom I had just met. We stayed together for a year and a half, even after I found out he was cheating. I ended up breaking up with him because he wasn’t holding up his end of the relationship financially.
I learned to live with HIV, but it was not easy. I had many challenges and I hit a few bumps in the road. One of the worst was in 2005 when I got Pneumocystis pneumonia (PCP), a serious infection caused by a fungus that can affect the lungs. A healthy person’s immune system can fight it off faster than they can pronounce it, but it’s common in people who have a weak immune system, like people who have HIV. According to Dr. Rosenstein, my doctor at the time, it’s the threshold where I crossed from being HIV positive to having full-blown AIDS, and there’s no going back. PCP can cause fever, cough, difficulty breathing, chest pain, and other symptoms. It can be life-threatening if not treated right away.
I had to retire at age 46 when dementia made it hard to do my job. I loved my job, working for one of the most gay-friendly companies in the world, and I was good at it. I had worked hard, and I had achieved a lot. But I had to let it go, and I had to adjust. I had to find new ways to keep my mind active and to enjoy my life. I had to find new hobbies and new interests. I had to find new meaning and new purpose.
I also had to deal with cancer twice. Cancer is a disease that causes abnormal cells to grow and spread in the body. It can affect any organ or tissue, and it can cause various symptoms depending on the type and location of the cancer. The first was anal cancer caused by, for which I was treated with radiation and chemotherapy. I’m really screwed if that one comes back because I’ve already maxed out my dose of radiation. My second cancer was Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a type of cancer that affects the lymphatic system, in 2013, and was treated with pretty intense chemo. My weight dropped to 89½ pounds (40.6 kg) and I almost died… again.
I’ve rung the Grim Reaper’s doorbell more times than a Jehovah’s Witness.
I fought hard, and I survived everything the gods threw at me. I underwent treatment, and I beat the cancer. I was relieved, and I was proud. I have been living with HIV for 31 years now, and today is my HIVersary, and I’ll be celebrating by singing with the Chorus, since tonight is opening night.
I have been through a lot, and I have overcome a lot. I have faced death, and I have chosen life. I have suffered pain, and I have found joy. I have lost hope, and I have regained it. I have been weak, and I have become strong.
As Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”
I have survived, and I have thrived, by thinking positive. And I don’t mean just thinking positive about my HIV status, although that is important too. I mean thinking positive about myself, and about my life. I mean focusing on the good, and not on the bad. I mean being grateful, and not being bitter. I mean being optimistic, and not being pessimistic. I mean being hopeful, and not being hopeless.
Thinking positive has helped me cope, and it has helped me heal. It has helped me accept, and it has helped me grow. It has helped me love, and it has helped me live.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that I will face it with courage, and with confidence. I know that I will face it with positivity, and with resilience, because I know that I will never face it alone.
As Lennon and McCartney said, “I get by with a little help from my friends.”