Dear Departed Osama bin Laden,
Hope this finds you as well as can be expected, considering that your body has probably been consumed by bottom-feeding sea life and your skull is now home to some hermit crab at the bottom of the Mediterranean. The psychotic screed you wrote back in 2002, before we kicked your ass, has been making the rounds here, and while social media may be creating the illusion that it has struck a responsive chord here, know that social media is a fickle thing. The youth of America will be distracted soon enough when the next shiny object is dangled in front of them by some influencer, and you’ll be, like, so last month. You’ll be forgotten again as soon as the next Taylor Swift video drops.
We have a saying here in America: “Fuck around and find out.” You fucked around. You found out. That is why Al Qaeda no longer exists. That’s why you no longer exist. Because in the face of true good, evil withers.
Your psychotic ramblings are nothing new, as we have been hearing the same bullshit from Christian charlatans since “Palestine” was a Roman colony, long before Mohammed’s great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather was born. There’s nothing new to your bullshit—it’s just the same crap with a different accent. I won’t attempt to address most of the points in your letter, since they are pointless drivel about your backward superstitions. But I will address some of them:
You wrote, “When the Muslims conquered Palestine and drove out the Romans, Palestine and Jerusalem returned to Islam.” You were sadly deluded, Osama. You did not drive out the Romans; their empire collapsed—because they gave religion too much power—and your people swooped in to fill the power vacuum like an opportunistic infection.
You whined about “The blood pouring out of Palestine must be equally revenged, and that you must know that the Palestinians do not cry alone; their women are not widowed alone; their sons are not orphaned alone. Oh, so all of a sudden you care about your women, huh? Otherwise you consider them property. Second class citizens. More on this later. There’s a lot to unpack here.
You said, “You attacked us in Somalia; you supported the Russian atrocities against us in Chechnya, the Indian oppression against us in Kashmir, and the Jewish aggression against us in Lebanon.” No, Osama, that was not us. That was Russia, and India, and Lebanon. Even after 9/11, it wasn’t America that came after you and your enablers, it was The Whole Fucking Civilized World. This is why we defeated you; because you were just a cowardly worm hiding in a cave behind human shields. And you have the balls to say we have no honor? But you could not hide forever. That’s why you’re sleeping with the fishes now. We left no grave for your deluded disciples to mourn at, and someday you’ll be only a footnote in some forgotten history book.
You also justify aggression against civilians, for crimes they did not commit and offenses in which they did not partake: “This argument contradicts your continuous repetition that America is the land of freedom, and its leaders in this world. Therefore, the American people are the ones who choose their government by way of their own free will; a choice which stems from their agreement to its policies.”
You knew absolutely nothing about America, apparently. I can understand how it might seem strange to you that the American People are free to disagree with their leaders without fear of being beheaded. The very concept must seem alien to you. We’re free to follow any religion we want, or no religion at all. We’re free to follow our dreams. And our women enjoy the same liberty. That, in and of itself, gives us the moral high ground.
George W. Bush had it right: you hate freedom.
You have no idea how many allies you had here before 9/11. Some of us even tried to end the bloodshed. We urged our leaders to find peaceful solutions. We opposed going to war with Iraq. We opposed occupying Afghanistan. But we were outnumbered. That happens in a democracy. It sucks, but it’s a damn sight better than living under the theocratic dictatorship you were calling on us to become. And while some of us may think it is their right to react violently when they lose, our criminal justice system is putting them in their place, just like our military put you in yours.
“The first thing that we are calling you to is Islam,” you wrote, once again proving how little you know about America. You see, our nation was founded on religious freedom. We aren’t even going to let our elected leaders force Christianity on us, we certainly aren’t going to let you force your religion on us either.
You claim that your Quran is the religion whose book - the Quran - “will remain preserved and unchanged, after the other Divine books and messages have been changed.”
Guess what? Every religion says that about their “divine” books.
The Quran is the miracle until the Day of Judgment. Allah has challenged anyone to bring a book like the Quran or even ten verses like it.
Guess what? Every religion says that about their “divine” books too.
Then you go on with the same misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic baggage every Abrahamic religion spews, with the possible exception of Jews, who don’t force their beliefs on us. No Jew has ever told me I couldn’t eat a ham sandwich. And as for bacon—you don’t know what you missed out on.
We call you to all of this that you may be freed from that which you have become caught up in; that you may be freed from the deceptive lies that you are a great nation, that your leaders spread amongst you to conceal from you the despicable state to which you have reached.
We’re already free, thank you. You wanted to enslave us with your “deceptive lies.” No, thank you. We declared independence from England because we didn’t want them shoving their religion down our throats. We don’t want yours either.
You are the nation who, rather than ruling by the Shariah of Allah in its Constitution and Laws, choose to invent your own laws as you will and desire.
Because that’s how it’s done in a free country.
You separate religion from your policies, contradicting the pure nature which affirms Absolute Authority to the lord and your Creator.
And this is as it should be. The state has no place enforcing religious dogma.
You flee from the embarrassing question posed to you: How is it possible for Allah the Almighty to create His creation, grant them power over all the creatures and land, grant them all the amenities of life, and then deny them that which they are most in need of: knowledge of the laws which govern their lives?
It seems to me the only person embarrassed by these questions was you. It really pissed you off that we don’t need your god to be moral. That’s okay, Christians feel the same way.
You are a nation that permits acts of immorality, and you consider them to be pillars of personal freedom.
Yeah, we’re really proud of that one. We call it, “liberty and justice for all.”
You have continued to sink down this abyss from level to level until incest has spread amongst you, in the face of which neither your sense of honor nor your laws object.
Incest? You want to talk about incest? How about the ridiculous Adam and Eve myth common to all Abrahamic religions? Who did their sons have children with? Your religion literally teaches that we are ALL products of incest.
Who can forget your President Clinton's immoral acts committed in the official Oval office? After that you did not even bring him to account, other than that he 'made a mistake', after which everything passed with no punishment. Is there a worse kind of event for which your name will go down in history and remembered by nations?
And guess what? It not only failed to remove him from office it got him re-elected, too. Because we Americans know that freedom means keeping your nose out of other people’s personal business. And at least Monica Lewinsky was a consenting adult. Mohammed married a fucking thirteen year old!
You are a nation that permits gambling in its all forms. The companies practice this as well, resulting in the investments becoming active and the criminals becoming rich.
Meanwhile, you have placed the ultimate bet: you have literally gambled your soul that your religion is the truth. And you lost that bet.
You are a nation that exploits women like consumer products or advertising tools calling upon customers to purchase them. You use women to serve passengers, visitors, and strangers to increase your profit margins. You then rant that you support the liberation of women.
We ALLOW our women to pursue their interests and follow their dreams. You treat yours like property, making them slaves in the home. So please shut the fuck up about women’s rights. You have no business speaking on these matters.
And just so you know, Osama, my representative in Congress is not only a woman, she’s a Muslim. So is my mayor, the first Somali-American mayor elected in U.S. history. I bet it really pisses you off that we give women such power. Oh, that’s right, it doesn’t—’cause you’re dead.
[Y]ou have been described in history as a nation that spreads diseases that were unknown to man in the past. Go ahead and boast to the nations of man, that you brought them AIDS as a Satanic American Invention.
You apparently know as little about history and geography as you do about democracy, Osama. AIDS originated in Africa. And it was Americans who developed the treatments that are making HIV a livable condition. So we kicked Allah’s ass on that one. (Score: Science-1, Allah-0)
Your policy on prohibiting and forcibly removing weapons of mass destruction to ensure world peace: it only applies to those countries which you do not permit to possess such weapons.
Because children cannot be trusted with dangerous toys. Americans know better than anybody how dangerous it is to hand an infant a loaded gun.
You ended your letter with what I assume was supposed to be an ominous threat:
If you fail to respond to all these conditions, then prepare for fight with the Islamic Nation.
Well, we had our fight. You lost. Al Qaeda and ISIS are shattered and people throughout the Islamic world are rising up against their oppressors. Arab Spring was only the beginning. Christianity is also on the decline, as it should be. Humanity is growing up.
Better luck next time… not that there will be one, at least for you. Because you’re dead, and we are not. I hope those seventy-two virgins waiting for you were old Catholic nuns.
Sincerely,
America